How to Keep a Conversation Alive   


A client asks: “How can I keep a conversation alive (as a matter 
of choice or necessity) in some situations where it is required, 
but when the other party is not contributing to continue the 
conversation?” 

Sometimes conversations can be kept alive, and sometimes 
not. Then again, sometimes they are not worth keeping alive. 

Having reluctant conversational partners makes for a difficult 
time, especially if they are unwilling to talk or to listen. Their 
behavior could be caused by a severe shyness, or perhaps an 
episode of self-consciousness, or even depression. Sometimes 
persons simply want to withdraw from interaction and into their 
own thoughts instead of engaging in conversation – even if 
this appears rude. 

How to Keep People Engaged 

Several suggestions that may help you to engage people: 

1. Make adjustments to establish rapport on the nonverbal 
level. If they are behaving quietly, mirror their behavior. If they 
are speaking softly, lower your own volume of speech. (Sometimes 
a lively, friendly, and exuberant manner feels overwhelming to a 
quiet person.) 

2. Be interested in them and very patient. Because everyone 
has a story to tell, if you ask safe, open questions you will often 
get them to speak. “What brings you to this event?” and “What 
do you like best about the program so far?” are examples of how 
to start. Patience is required to give them time to think before 
they answer. 

3. If they begin to respond to such general questions and you are 
feeling connected with them, you can ask other questions about their 
work or personal life. If they are non-responsive to your first questions, 
even if you have been very attentive and tactful, they are probably 
signalling that “I don't want to talk now.” Then it's time to politely 
turn away and move on, maybe saying something like “Perhaps we 
can talk another time.” 

Sometimes people are just in negative or very private 
moods because something upsetting has happened. They may 
think that because these concerns are so present in their own 
minds, everyone else is aware of their inner state and should 
therefore respect their wish to avoid interaction. 

Still others may be un-cooperative because it's a way to control 
the situation. Some adolescents are legendary for their ability to 
control others – especially parents – by withdrawing and being sullen. 

If you want to engage a reluctant person, apply the suggestions 
above. As the saying goes, “It takes two to tango.” Conversation 
is a collaborative event, and it certainly requires two willing 
people to converse. If you see that they aren't willing to collaborate 
after a few sincere attempts by you, politely disengage. It's not 
about you. It's about them. 

To keep a conversation alive you need topics of mutual interest 
and you need to express interest in the other person's talk.. 
Conversations sometimes die because a mundane topic has been 
exhausted. (That is why routine small talk expires so quickly. 
The responses are predictable, and there's not much more to be said.) 

Try Mini-interviews 

For such situations, I recommend preparing a few “mini-interviews” 
such as “Where did you grow up?” and “What was the neighborhood like?” 
or “How do you like to spend your vacations?” and “What are your next 
vacation plans?” Having alternative topics to offer will help you get the 
conversation unstuck. Dwelling on a topic that has become stale is the 
main reason a conversation dies.